Having The Berries

My story regarding Tonglen. I ripped the definition directly from Wikipedia which I will include.

Now, many see Fenrir as a god or demon of destruction. Who am I to tell someone else they cannot have their own opinions? my reactions to them is a direct reflection of myself. Therefore, I respect others opinions.

In saying as much, remember those words before an arguement is given. I will verbally bite heads if respect is not given rather or not one disagrees.

Many folks occasionally go through an “Ordeal”. I have found this to be common among Rökkatru (I like the term, deal.) I used to think I didn’t have the berries to embark upon the “Ordeal Path” until I found myself smack dab in the middle of one.

2013. I began getting ridiculously sick. Nauseous with tons of headaches. Physically, by all rights and in accordance with my doctor, I was perfectly fine.

My digestive constitution took a plummet. My living situation at the time, while ideal was in an almost constant state of negative energy, I would meditate with Fenrir while trying not to whine (Remember, no whining for Iron Woods.), until he growled out at me to “eat it”. I was speechless, I gave him the “huh?” face. Then he told me “I devour, but it is not always for the evil that humans perceive, I devour and recycle, learn to do the same.” Fenrir was never one for long speeches or flowery tripe.

And so it was. I was thrown onto the Ordeal Path without even realizing it. I DID have the Berries after all. 


2016, Full Circle. Three Years Later

I’m still growing spiritually, but I can now filter negativity successfully. I can take others pain and morph it into something nourishing, I can throw this back into environment as negative ions. It has been a long journey, but Fenrir is there to guide me. 

HAIL FENRIR! and thank you for teaching me how to the have the berries. 


Another Fenrir Dream

Me: “Why me?”
Fenrir: “Why not?”
Me: *I stare at him*
Fenrir: *Stares back chuffing at me. He begins his physical shifting.”Don’t pretend you don’t want to bite peoples heads off. If you were unbound, you would destroy..”
Me: *Nods in agreeance* “Do you pick those just with rage?”
Fenrir: *Snorts at me mockingly* “None of your business. I picked you. Now you honor me. It’s that simple. It doesn’t matter who’s better. It matters who’s willing.”
Me: “To Kill?”
Fenrir: “To live”
Me: “Because living is hard?”
Fenrir: “Partially. Stop trying to fish.”
Me: *nuzzles him. I can feel and smell the blood.”Always so much waiting. I feel like I was born to wait.”
Fenrir: “Maybe you were.” *He pins me down biting me playfully. It hurts but nothing is ever soft with Fenrir.*

I wake up. Parts of my body/skin hurts where he bit. I smile.

My Silent Companion

My Silent Companion
My heart
Muscled girth beneath me as you lazily pad upon the forest floor.
Spruce needles brush my face slightly from a storm fallen branch.
I watch as snow lightly touches upon your black fur. Melting into your body’s abyss.
“So beautiful” I say as I look out at the great expanse of woodland.
“It will be gone one day. All of this.” He growls out. I feel the rumble through his body. “I know. So I enjoy it now.” I answer. He nods silently. We walk. No words. We listen together as the elements speak to one another.
Hail Fenrir. My Beloved.
Guide and Protector.

He “takes” me “places” when He feels I am over-stressed. Much is going on. Now I am being urged to learn to master my longsword as well as the staff. Odin is on me about the runes and lovely Sigyn has snatched me up in a dual patronage with Hyndla. I am most busy. And most thankful. But in those little moments rather in deep sleep or the tween times of near sleep or just barely waking. Fenrir snatches me up and we ride. He understands
my need to “breathe” not much talking occurs. Just heartbeats. And silence.

Fenrir & Preparing for Death

This thought has occurred to me on more than one occasion. Do I get cremated? Do I give into my Kemetic side and become mummified? Awhile back I had a dream. Fenrir was instructing me to walk into forest skyclad. I had assumed this was a form of initiation. But recently he has been showing me more. I will walk into the forest and be devoured by the packs in the dead of winter. I am okay with this.

“It is the last ounce of life you will feel”

He tells me. I never looked at pain in this manner. But thinking about the brink of death one would feel weak and listless and yes perhaps in pain. But it is this pain of being ripped apart that made me wonder why he would suggest this.

“You should not leave laying down. Give into your fight .”

So, I should go out fighting a pack of wolves. Sounds legit.

“But what if I do not wish to fight my death?” “None of mine go without a fight..”

Thats when I understood it wasn’t a request. It was a demand from my beloved and a final offering of pain. But even more so. My beloved taught me yet another lesson that I knew, sort of. He cemented it. Death frees your chains. But it must come with living first , fighting tooth and claw for what you believe in and your own principles. Those chains will stay on until you break them either in life or death. I remember my mother. She had Super-nuclear Palsy. If anyone has seen the movie “Serpent and the Rainbow. It has the effects of the zombie powder. They seem okay on the outside. But they breakdown inside. But my mother fought until the very end. It is okay that others think morbid. I could give a rats ass. So here I go asking Him another question.

“Will I pass on?”



He stares at me for a moment. Now he begins shifting forms between four-legged and two-legged. He approaches me in two-legged form the easy friction heard coming from his leather jacket. Lighting a cigarette he looks at me again with a cocky ass grin.

“You have work to do”

He hands me the cig and I take a few drags and hand it back.

“You and your fiancé mentioned Dads name when you were about 18, 19 years old. We have been with you since then. But if you want to think the lights flickered by themselves after mentioning his name was just some random fucking occurrence thats fine.”



He takes another drag through his toothy ass smirk laughing a little handing me the cig again. I take it slowly slack jawed.


He laughs harder.

“Dude, fuck you”

He flicks the cigarette out of my hand.

“If you insist.”

The rest was well…I would rather not write that. But just before my dream faded there was Hela at the edge of my dream. I looked at her. Hand in hand with Fenrir. She nodded smiling. I nodded back. We are always at the edge of death. Death is what the humans call it.

Cleansing of Negative Energies on Old Objects

Amarina's Journey

As time has been progressing, I’ve learned more about my higher self. Not only was I what would be called a Valkyrie, but I was also a seidhkona. Growing up all the abilities and gifts I had seemed odd, but they were comfortable and I felt at home with them. So now, I find it’s time to start talking to myself, for lack of a better phrase, and come back to what I am and how I can use what I know in more practical means and methods. Seeing that I’ve been a bit of a pack rat in this life, it was suggested that I start to purge the old items that I no longer need and cleanse not only the things I keep, but also those I dispose of. The energies can stick like glue and when not properly dispersed or cleansed, they can continue to be bothersome…

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